Overcoming fears

Last year I have registered to a meditating session meant to release me from all my fears. And it did.

In my new book ‘Unlock the Real Me’ I have enumerated most of our fears: betrayal, injustice, abandon, fear of being alone, fear of rejection etc and lots of exercises on how to overcome every single fear.

I want to speak a bit about fear of betrayal, so I will leave you below a fragment from my book.

‘One of the worst fears that most of us has is the fear of betrayal. People who carry this fear are introverts and they can’t easily confess to others. Persons who fear of betrayal consider themselves a strong person and feel the need to control and organise everyone’s lives. The reason why this person wears a strong mask is because they are sensitive people who get easily hurt. They hate surprises, as they always feel the need to control and manipulate other people and situations. You never like to be interrupted and you might even become slightly verbally aggressive pointing out to the other person that you haven’t finish speaking. You hate laziness, and when you see people that are not doing things when you want and when you do them, again you might become verbally aggressive. You give others the impression that you are responsible and trustful, but you don’t trust anyone. Because of this fear you can easily push others away from you, being seen like a freak out for control who needs to plan life minute by minute and to always know what is going on. The worse this fear affects in the relationship. You control your partner, what he is doing, who he speaks with etc.  You believe that if you know what your partner does the chances to be betrayed are non-existent, because you feel you have control over his life/actions. In every relationship I was, I did all this. My marriage was at the point to end because of my fear for betrayal. And if you add some paranoia in all this – the failure is for sure. Luckily, my husband understood my fear, and supported me in this process. We had numerous argues because of my fears, and still he was next to me, supporting me, and showing me 100% love. Usually the fear of betrayal starts from childhood. To me, it started around 12-13 years old when I caught my dad first cheating to my mom. Seeing her pain, I grew up putting on a strong mask and always being on-guard to avoid being betrayed by men. I can honestly say, I rarely enjoyed any of my relationships. I have created rules and principles that I was sure to always respect them and I have asked all my partners to respect them to avoid being betrayed (for example: ‘I am not having any male/female friends, so my partner can’t have either).  When a disappointment comes across or when you are sad, usually you would tell that nothing is wrong, that all is fine just because you are running of suffering. All my relationship had a black cloud full of my fears and my insecurities. In my marriage, every weekend spent with my husband was amazing. And this was because he was always next to me. When week-day was starting, I became a nightmare: overstressed, anxious, paranoid – even myself I wanted to give up marriage thinking that he doesn’t love me enough. I was always picking up small things on him, just to give a reason to myself that indeed he doesn’t love me (for example, he forget a specific date, but he remembered what age had one of his colleagues – it was enough this little mistake for me to think that he doesn’t love me, and not because it was an honest mistake and everyone can forgets things). Once we realise that we are the owners of this fear we need to practice to get rid of it.

One of the worse things that I thought it would of happen if I would have been betrayed in my relationship would have been to be forever alone. And I was betrayed. But I didn’t know then it all happened for a reason. First to allow myself to become a stronger person, and secondly to allow myself to find a man that deserves me. Now, I am enjoying every single day of my life without feeling any fears, without being concerned of any upcoming betrayals because now I know that if it will happen to be betrayed, it will make me stronger and it will allow me to find a better person/friend/job that I truly deserve. Give other people chances, don’t let past experience stain your soul and mind. Have patience and let others act in their own rhythm, don’t rush them, don’t control their actions. Let people surprise you and let them show you how much they appreciate you, without thinking that later they might betray you. Live the moment, be happy and appreciate everyone. Trust in them – yes, you might get hurt, but you might not. So, is it worth it living a life scared of betrayal when it might never happen? Would you then be able to say that you really enjoyed every moment next to someone? Or have you just enjoyed the moments when you had control on them? For example: why would you be in a relationship with someone if you keep thinking that person, one day might betray you and to live with this fear daily? What is your percentage of happiness in all this? Don’t let the fears control your life. Control your fears and live a happy life!’

What do you think? Are you scared of being betrayed? What other fears do you have? Do you know how easy it is to overcome them if you do daily exercises?

Now that I overcome every fear I can honestly say I am happy every day, stopped being paranoid, enjoying every moment with my family, my friends, and looking forward for my future! ❤

#fears #betrayal #empowering #love #relationship #newperson #overcomingbetrayal #fearofbetrayal #youareperfect

Professional makeup made easy and Unlock the Real You

Hi all! Hope you’re all well and safe?

During this period that I haven’t write on the blog, I wrote a book. If you’re interested in professional makeup and you lack practice, feel free to order my e-book from Amazon. Is full of tips and tricks, and you can find there baby steps in how to take care of your skin and how to properly apply your makeup.

I am now writing another book, called ‘Unlock the Real You’ a true story about my life, bullying, paranoia, anxiety, fears and how to overcome them.

You can pre-order the book at a lower price until it will get released in one month time. I will post the links below.

I hope you have an amazing evening, and please stay safe!

Professional makeup made easy: https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08VSCXPDT/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_7BVVKZGP4KJCKXXXW7CJ

Unlock the Real You: https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08X4LRKZ2/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_4SPFKBFX0J875DMCT5NM

#book #newrealease #makeup #fears #paranoia #professionalmakeup #amazon

A new world, a new life and other bits…

Over the past 2 years lots of things have changed. I would of never think someone’s life can change to 180 degrees in 1 year, but it did.

We are no longer staying next to the sea. My husband received a better position so we needed to move in the middle of England, just to be easier for us and for him to not stay overnight in any places due to his work.

We now have a house (sometimes I do miss the flat), and a dog! Her name is Luna, she is a crossbreed and we adopted her from Romania! In fact, the first thing we did when we moved to a house was adopting her! She is one of the best decision we ever made! I love her to bits!

Before moving I was without a job for about 2 or 3 months. Then I found a job in payroll. A job I finally like and where I feel confident working into. I worked for about 4 months in the office, until Covid came along and now we are still working from home.

My marriage has definitely changed in the lockdown. My husband and I were always at home together and I must admit thing got better. We are now trying for a baby and fingers crossed will happen soon!

I have started meditating, learning how to overcome my fears which I will make a post about them later on.

I guess that’s all for tonight, will see you all tomorrow 😊👋

I choose MY happiness…

Hi all

I know I haven’t write in awhile but there’s been a lot of changes in my life. Good or bad soon we will find out. You know when you take some decisions and wonder after what the hell were you thinking ? Something like this happened now… I think I was taken away by dreams, by illusions and not by real life. I know sounds pathetic as I am in my 30s but I am still dreaming to a happy family, a family like I’ve never had.

But what’s happening when you’re a part of something that bring you more sadness than happiness? When you love the one next to you, but you know that in the future this situation will make you sad being in?

During my life, I have done lots of sacrifices for everyone, from ex partners to my parents. I haven’t think at myself. I was happy I could go and pamper myself once at 6 months.. but now.. not even that makes me happy…

I have never been a person who wanted money. I always considered a happy family is more important than a rich family.

I love my husband, but his work is prioritary in his life than us. And we only have a dog.. which makes me wonder.. how would he be if we will have kids? And cmon..we are only together for 3 years.. am I selfish for wanting to be first in someone’s life ? And to be shown facts not just words? How much should I sacrifice myself?

I love him so much, i took some decisions for our family, but I thought with those decisions he will finally see us as a family and put us priority.

I am afraid for my future.. I don’t think the life I have now will make me happy, but also I love him.. I thought we will be forever … I know.. maybe I’m trying to much to have the family I have always dreamt.. and I am accused that I am not loving enough to accept this.. and my happiness? Does it really not count anymore ? I’m tired of doing sacrifices for everyone and in the end no one cares for me to see me happy…

Yes, maybe I’m selfish but for the first time I am decided to think at myself and what will bring me happiness. I know I deserve to be happy and I will not let myself until I will not find my true happiness without needing to sacrifice myself for others again…

Too tired for me, for you, for us.

Sometimes you get to a point when you are way too tired to even pretend you’re fine. I guess this is my time. I am sick and tired of smiling fake. Sick and tired to pretend everything is ok.

Yes.. I have problems… and I am not afraid or embarrassed anymore to admit. I have problems in my marriage. And you know what hurts the most? He can do a lot of things, upsetting me with his acts and behaviour, he thinks is ok , I think is not, still he doesn’t stop acting like a child and still makes me suffer… 2 years.. but of course, for him what he is doing is acceptable as he ” is not doing anything wrong ” . But what if for me it is? Is not about compromising? Finding a middle way? Is it better to hide and find? As in his opinion that wasn’t important to tell me about it? Is it ok to make me feel like s**t taking the hands off me when he is speaking with another women who he sees daily? All this is normal in his eyes.

And one day I am saying a stupid thing, the most stupid thing I could ever say, I must admit and I am embarrassed and ashamed of myself for saying it when I was annoyed and let me begging and apologising for him to forgive me? You know what… I am tired… he never understand how much he makes me suffer thinking he is not doing anything wrong, he never cared about my pain.

And it wasn’t for a day.. but for 2 years.. and because I hoped things will go better I stayed and fight for us. But yes.. now.. I am tired. I was so desperate these days that I must confess I was thinking to end with myself. But as desperate as I was I realised that I have all my life in front of me, that life is beautifull and is not involving one person who can’t see you as his half, that I gave him all my 100% love, while he did whatever he thought he is not doing wrong, knowing is upsetting me he continued doing it… so then.. I wonder now, where’s the love?

I am trying to hide all my problems from family and friends. Why? Because they are away… I am in another country, being seen as an intruder and I only have him… and I let him become my world.. the only one that counts. I guess… from there I’ve started to act wrong….

I’m almost 30, you know? And I am embarrassed my life is such a mess… and I know first of all to put all my hope and dreams in myself… I have done what I said I will never do. To put my life and Hopes in the hands of someone else…

And I wish to change this… but I am afraid if I’ll start changing I might fell out of love.. he was my perfect man. For a period he was amazing, I was wondering daily how can I be so happy, after wedding.. I am crying daily. He says things will be fine, but how? When he is doing things ( and I don’t mean cheating ) that he never did? That he forgot to bring a smile on my face? Why am I still loving him with all my heart? What’s wrong with me and my heart? Why is never easy?…..

I wish…

I wish you would be here with me now…

I wish tonight to be the first night we met.

I wish to bring back our first kiss and the emotions with it.

I wish to forget our first argue and all the following ones

I wish I could trust in you…

I wish to forget the lie, I wish to forget that others are better than me and that they make you happier

I wish to forget my disrespect I had for you.

I wish you wouldn’t change your personality with your job appraisal and I wish to be the simple man you were.

I wish you wouldn’t forgot your promise that you’ll never make me cry

I wish I wouldn’t act like a crazy b***h when we argue

I wish you to hug me more and I wish you to listen to me as you did.

I wish you to realise how much you hurt me.

I wish you to realise how much I love you.

I wish you to understand I will never stop you to leave

I wish you would just mine and not sharing with them.

I wish to have someone I can talk to, without seeing rolling eyes or saying that he is always listening to my problems.

I wish you would care for me and us

I wish you would understand that I don’t need your money and gifts, i wish you understand that all I ever needed from you was free memories… laughing, joking, hugging.

I wish… I wish you to really love me as you say…

But… I wish…..

“The pain you feel today will be the strength you feel tomorrow.” ~Unknown

I’m still learning to manage the pain. I’m still learning to respond more mature in difficulties. I am almost 30 but still no one has teach me how to deal with pain. I am encouraging myself, but sometimes hurts too much. I know heart is just a muscle, but I could swear hurts that much I could feel the burn inside me. Sometimes I wonder if was better to keep my heart walls up, to wear my ” strong mask “. In that way I am sure I wouldn’t feel any pain. But I’ve opened myself to people that they promised me they will never break my heart. How to build back the walls though?

Some days I have to remind myself that inside me is a strong person, and that everything will go away. Every pain you feel it will make you stronger, just don’t give up. I was a strong person, but some circumstances came across and made me loose every piece of confidence and power I had in me. So how am I earning that back? Maybe I am as bad as people say, maybe I don’t deserve to be listened, but what if i do deserve to be listened and care of? Everyone needs reassurance, and maybe I need more than others… but if we are friends or lovers shouldn’t we listen to the other one problems? …There are some steps that helped me realise I am good enough, that I am strong and that nothing bad can happen. You just need to take it as a lesson from life which will make you stronger.

1. You will be okay

I know is hard when you’re in pain to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but the pain will not last forever. The intensity of that pain will disappear with the time. ” Give time time ” – learn to live with the pain, accept that pain is not related by who you are as a person, but is related to the person who caused it. For example, if you are cheated, what is your fault? For loving and caring? No! You can’t be responsible for the other one actions! Be happy that you find out and you don’t spend a life in a lie when you will be able to maybe meet your soulmate? I know is hard to see it like this, but you must to! ” when a door is closing, another door is opening ” – remember that!

2. You are NEVER too much

Sometimes I would breakdown into uncontrollable tears and other times I would explode with anger and being full of hate.

I think these manifestations of my pain scared people sometimes. This made me feel like others didn’t care, and that I was simply too much. Sometimes my pain and may have been too much for some people to handle with it, but that is not a reflection of me.

3. You are brave

Sometimes being in pain can make you feel helpless. Making a change can seem overwhelming. We are the only ones who can save ourselves, don’t give up– I would of never have discovered my bravery if I wouldn’t have to fight with the pain head-on.

4. Pain changes you

Pain can leave you broken, depressed, damaged, angry, lonely.

But it can also leave you stronger, braver, more confident. At the beggining you feel that you are not strong enough to deal with, but just remember how did you feel every time in the past when you managed to go over the pain? You felt stronger, happier, thankful for a lesson. Pain will not last forever. Speak with someone who you know that cares for you, family, friends, even a specialised person. If you don’t think you can deal with the pain alone, ask for help. Is ok to not be ok! Remember this! We are all human beings, we all have problems, just remember that you are amazing, and you have your own qualities and you deserve to be happy. Don’t let no one to bring you down!

Don’t let the pain overtake you! Speak about it, someone there cares for you and wants to know if you are alright! Learn how to be strong, learn how to smile again and you will be again surrounded by valuable people!

Thank you! …

Today I was thinking that it’s been a while since I didn’t write anything. So today.. I am gonna write a bit unusual ” Thank you ” post.

Here we go.

1. Thank you, Dad! Since I was a child you weren’t there for me, I guess you wanted a boy to just show him ” how men do it ” . Thank you for missing when I had my first steps, thank you for letting my mom dealing with me while you were with other women. Do you remember when I had 14 years old and my mom asked for divorce because you are a cheater and you wanted to kill yourself? Do you remember who stopped you doing it? Do you think a 14 years old girl wants to see daily her mom crying because you’re not man enough to be a husband and a father but a cheater and a liar? Do you remember when you begged my mom to stay more cause you’re incapable to support yourself and she sacrificed herself? And what have you done? Cheated again! Do you know because of you I am thinking that all the men wants to use me? Are you happy now? Do you know how much hurts hearing your mom saying about the new man she met that he makes her feel like a princess? Where were you dad?? When you should of been home at your 2 princesses you were giving your attention to another woman. And yes dad! For this I am thanking you! Because I know now I will not be like you and mom. I will never accept a cheater and a liar in my life. It’s just a shame you couldn’t give me the family I dreamt at. Now I am hoping I will be able to eat at the same table with my kids. Thank you dad!

2. Thank you, my dear ex!

Thank you to my first ex! He was my torture.. and I was his puppy. He controlled my mind. He was an expert. He destroyed every single piece of confidence. From words like ” fat ” , ” big belly ” , ” stupid stutter ” , ” disgusting person ” to phrases like ” no one will ever love you, I will be the only one who could ever look at you ” and ending with slaps. So yes, thank you! Thank you for breaking up with me as I was too stupid to let you go. I was too afraid you’re saying the truth and i am just a fat ball. Thank you for each slap, it made me stronger. Thank you for all the harassment and for considering me a s**t when you know I was virgin! Thank you for making me independent! Thank you because of you I’ve seen how obsessed with your mom you are and how much she controlled you and our relationship. And you know what? I lost confidence because of you… but… i am forgiving you. Probably you’ve done what you have learned from your father. As your father said ,” is not a bad thing to educate a woman with a slap “. You can be proud. You’re like your dad. We’ve been 3 years together… and I can’t remember nothing nice with you. All I remember is you and your moms abuse. But thank you for this! Because of you I am who I am today. Shame I cant say this about you. You always blamed my parents because they couldn’t offer me money. But I have more satisfaction when I am doing a future for myself. Thank you for when proposing me you said to hide the ring as you don’t want to see your parents. Thank you for all your repulse you give me! I hope you will do great in your life, cant even hate you, I am really grateful because you’ve showed me what means to not even be a man!

3. Thank you dear ex 2!

Thank you Mr Penguin! Strange nickname.. but this was you. You thought you are all great because you were known in town.. how are you doing with the alcohol and staying on your girlfriends money? I had mercy for you, I shouldn’t, we were having nothing in common. We were like black and white. You swearing all the time, me buying you cigarettes and beers. Wow… nice right? Until I put a stop. I couldn’t let another man ruining my life. Thank you for showing me I need to be with a real man, not a child!

4. Thank you, my sweet country!

Have you ever been abused by your own country? Harassed? I’ve been! Threatened by banks, stressed … thinking to end everything. But thank you! You made me leave my family and come to another country by myself. A country who received me but I know for them I will always be the foreigner ( which probably they still think i married a citizen from their country just for benefits ). Just so you know, i have no benefit. I married for love. Thank you my sweet country, because of you in one night I’ve decided to come by myself and meet the unknown. And I’ve made it!

5. Thank you mr. Unknown!

Do you remember at a concert, I was 12, you were around 50 smelling of alcohol, and you took your organ out and put it closer to my bum? Do you remember I was colleague with your daughter? Thank you for this! Because of you I will always hate being with an alcoholic!

6. Thank you mr. Unknown 2!

Yeah..call me stupid. I was. I met a man and he wanted to know me better.. so we went to a hotel room… in the idea I was honestly thinking we will speak.. but no… he almost raped me. He just stopped because I told him what position my father has. Thank you! Because of you I have no trust in no man! You made me to not believe anything! By the way, how is in the prison now? I am glad you got what you deserved!

7. Thank you my false friend!

I let you take me home one night as I’ve trusted, and what have you done??? You took me in a darker place and you’ve started to touch me! You stopped after many begging but guess what? Thank you! Because of you I dont let anyone to take care of me!

8. Thank you, sweet colleague citizens!

Thank you for saying I came in this country just to steal your men. I forgot I should of asked your permission to fall in love on your land! Thank you, you just make me be more stronger!

9. Thank you mom! Thank you keeping me in the house all day just learning and I never had any friends! Now is a bit hard to start speaking with people, but you know what? I still love you and I forgave you as you’ve only had me to love you! And I know you are the best mom in the world in your own way. Do you remember when you said I am afraid to not fail coming in another country like my dad failed? Do you remember when I’ve answered i am not my dad and i will never have the family you gave me? And i kept my word.

So yes.. thanks to this amazing people.. they just made me realise I only need myself, strong enough and independent. And they made me realise I should appreciate more the people who really care for me , like my husband. ❤