Too tired for me, for you, for us.

Sometimes you get to a point when you are way too tired to even pretend you’re fine. I guess this is my time. I am sick and tired of smiling fake. Sick and tired to pretend everything is ok.

Yes.. I have problems… and I am not afraid or embarrassed anymore to admit. I have problems in my marriage. And you know what hurts the most? He can do a lot of things, upsetting me with his acts and behaviour, he thinks is ok , I think is not, still he doesn’t stop acting like a child and still makes me suffer… 2 years.. but of course, for him what he is doing is acceptable as he ” is not doing anything wrong ” . But what if for me it is? Is not about compromising? Finding a middle way? Is it better to hide and find? As in his opinion that wasn’t important to tell me about it? Is it ok to make me feel like s**t taking the hands off me when he is speaking with another women who he sees daily? All this is normal in his eyes.

And one day I am saying a stupid thing, the most stupid thing I could ever say, I must admit and I am embarrassed and ashamed of myself for saying it when I was annoyed and let me begging and apologising for him to forgive me? You know what… I am tired… he never understand how much he makes me suffer thinking he is not doing anything wrong, he never cared about my pain.

And it wasn’t for a day.. but for 2 years.. and because I hoped things will go better I stayed and fight for us. But yes.. now.. I am tired. I was so desperate these days that I must confess I was thinking to end with myself. But as desperate as I was I realised that I have all my life in front of me, that life is beautifull and is not involving one person who can’t see you as his half, that I gave him all my 100% love, while he did whatever he thought he is not doing wrong, knowing is upsetting me he continued doing it… so then.. I wonder now, where’s the love?

I am trying to hide all my problems from family and friends. Why? Because they are away… I am in another country, being seen as an intruder and I only have him… and I let him become my world.. the only one that counts. I guess… from there I’ve started to act wrong….

I’m almost 30, you know? And I am embarrassed my life is such a mess… and I know first of all to put all my hope and dreams in myself… I have done what I said I will never do. To put my life and Hopes in the hands of someone else…

And I wish to change this… but I am afraid if I’ll start changing I might fell out of love.. he was my perfect man. For a period he was amazing, I was wondering daily how can I be so happy, after wedding.. I am crying daily. He says things will be fine, but how? When he is doing things ( and I don’t mean cheating ) that he never did? That he forgot to bring a smile on my face? Why am I still loving him with all my heart? What’s wrong with me and my heart? Why is never easy?…..

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I wish…

I wish you would be here with me now…

I wish tonight to be the first night we met.

I wish to bring back our first kiss and the emotions with it.

I wish to forget our first argue and all the following ones

I wish I could trust in you…

I wish to forget the lie, I wish to forget that others are better than me and that they make you happier

I wish to forget my disrespect I had for you.

I wish you wouldn’t change your personality with your job appraisal and I wish to be the simple man you were.

I wish you wouldn’t forgot your promise that you’ll never make me cry

I wish I wouldn’t act like a crazy b***h when we argue

I wish you to hug me more and I wish you to listen to me as you did.

I wish you to realise how much you hurt me.

I wish you to realise how much I love you.

I wish you to understand I will never stop you to leave

I wish you would just mine and not sharing with them.

I wish to have someone I can talk to, without seeing rolling eyes or saying that he is always listening to my problems.

I wish you would care for me and us

I wish you would understand that I don’t need your money and gifts, i wish you understand that all I ever needed from you was free memories… laughing, joking, hugging.

I wish… I wish you to really love me as you say…

But… I wish…..

“The pain you feel today will be the strength you feel tomorrow.” ~Unknown

I’m still learning to manage the pain. I’m still learning to respond more mature in difficulties. I am almost 30 but still no one has teach me how to deal with pain. I am encouraging myself, but sometimes hurts too much. I know heart is just a muscle, but I could swear hurts that much I could feel the burn inside me. Sometimes I wonder if was better to keep my heart walls up, to wear my ” strong mask “. In that way I am sure I wouldn’t feel any pain. But I’ve opened myself to people that they promised me they will never break my heart. How to build back the walls though?

Some days I have to remind myself that inside me is a strong person, and that everything will go away. Every pain you feel it will make you stronger, just don’t give up. I was a strong person, but some circumstances came across and made me loose every piece of confidence and power I had in me. So how am I earning that back? Maybe I am as bad as people say, maybe I don’t deserve to be listened, but what if i do deserve to be listened and care of? Everyone needs reassurance, and maybe I need more than others… but if we are friends or lovers shouldn’t we listen to the other one problems? …There are some steps that helped me realise I am good enough, that I am strong and that nothing bad can happen. You just need to take it as a lesson from life which will make you stronger.

1. You will be okay

I know is hard when you’re in pain to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but the pain will not last forever. The intensity of that pain will disappear with the time. ” Give time time ” – learn to live with the pain, accept that pain is not related by who you are as a person, but is related to the person who caused it. For example, if you are cheated, what is your fault? For loving and caring? No! You can’t be responsible for the other one actions! Be happy that you find out and you don’t spend a life in a lie when you will be able to maybe meet your soulmate? I know is hard to see it like this, but you must to! ” when a door is closing, another door is opening ” – remember that!

2. You are NEVER too much

Sometimes I would breakdown into uncontrollable tears and other times I would explode with anger and being full of hate.

I think these manifestations of my pain scared people sometimes. This made me feel like others didn’t care, and that I was simply too much. Sometimes my pain and may have been too much for some people to handle with it, but that is not a reflection of me.

3. You are brave

Sometimes being in pain can make you feel helpless. Making a change can seem overwhelming. We are the only ones who can save ourselves, don’t give up– I would of never have discovered my bravery if I wouldn’t have to fight with the pain head-on.

4. Pain changes you

Pain can leave you broken, depressed, damaged, angry, lonely.

But it can also leave you stronger, braver, more confident. At the beggining you feel that you are not strong enough to deal with, but just remember how did you feel every time in the past when you managed to go over the pain? You felt stronger, happier, thankful for a lesson. Pain will not last forever. Speak with someone who you know that cares for you, family, friends, even a specialised person. If you don’t think you can deal with the pain alone, ask for help. Is ok to not be ok! Remember this! We are all human beings, we all have problems, just remember that you are amazing, and you have your own qualities and you deserve to be happy. Don’t let no one to bring you down!

Don’t let the pain overtake you! Speak about it, someone there cares for you and wants to know if you are alright! Learn how to be strong, learn how to smile again and you will be again surrounded by valuable people!

Thank you! …

Today I was thinking that it’s been a while since I didn’t write anything. So today.. I am gonna write a bit unusual ” Thank you ” post.

Here we go.

1. Thank you, Dad! Since I was a child you weren’t there for me, I guess you wanted a boy to just show him ” how men do it ” . Thank you for missing when I had my first steps, thank you for letting my mom dealing with me while you were with other women. Do you remember when I had 14 years old and my mom asked for divorce because you are a cheater and you wanted to kill yourself? Do you remember who stopped you doing it? Do you think a 14 years old girl wants to see daily her mom crying because you’re not man enough to be a husband and a father but a cheater and a liar? Do you remember when you begged my mom to stay more cause you’re incapable to support yourself and she sacrificed herself? And what have you done? Cheated again! Do you know because of you I am thinking that all the men wants to use me? Are you happy now? Do you know how much hurts hearing your mom saying about the new man she met that he makes her feel like a princess? Where were you dad?? When you should of been home at your 2 princesses you were giving your attention to another woman. And yes dad! For this I am thanking you! Because I know now I will not be like you and mom. I will never accept a cheater and a liar in my life. It’s just a shame you couldn’t give me the family I dreamt at. Now I am hoping I will be able to eat at the same table with my kids. Thank you dad!

2. Thank you, my dear ex!

Thank you to my first ex! He was my torture.. and I was his puppy. He controlled my mind. He was an expert. He destroyed every single piece of confidence. From words like ” fat ” , ” big belly ” , ” stupid stutter ” , ” disgusting person ” to phrases like ” no one will ever love you, I will be the only one who could ever look at you ” and ending with slaps. So yes, thank you! Thank you for breaking up with me as I was too stupid to let you go. I was too afraid you’re saying the truth and i am just a fat ball. Thank you for each slap, it made me stronger. Thank you for all the harassment and for considering me a s**t when you know I was virgin! Thank you for making me independent! Thank you because of you I’ve seen how obsessed with your mom you are and how much she controlled you and our relationship. And you know what? I lost confidence because of you… but… i am forgiving you. Probably you’ve done what you have learned from your father. As your father said ,” is not a bad thing to educate a woman with a slap “. You can be proud. You’re like your dad. We’ve been 3 years together… and I can’t remember nothing nice with you. All I remember is you and your moms abuse. But thank you for this! Because of you I am who I am today. Shame I cant say this about you. You always blamed my parents because they couldn’t offer me money. But I have more satisfaction when I am doing a future for myself. Thank you for when proposing me you said to hide the ring as you don’t want to see your parents. Thank you for all your repulse you give me! I hope you will do great in your life, cant even hate you, I am really grateful because you’ve showed me what means to not even be a man!

3. Thank you dear ex 2!

Thank you Mr Penguin! Strange nickname.. but this was you. You thought you are all great because you were known in town.. how are you doing with the alcohol and staying on your girlfriends money? I had mercy for you, I shouldn’t, we were having nothing in common. We were like black and white. You swearing all the time, me buying you cigarettes and beers. Wow… nice right? Until I put a stop. I couldn’t let another man ruining my life. Thank you for showing me I need to be with a real man, not a child!

4. Thank you, my sweet country!

Have you ever been abused by your own country? Harassed? I’ve been! Threatened by banks, stressed … thinking to end everything. But thank you! You made me leave my family and come to another country by myself. A country who received me but I know for them I will always be the foreigner ( which probably they still think i married a citizen from their country just for benefits ). Just so you know, i have no benefit. I married for love. Thank you my sweet country, because of you in one night I’ve decided to come by myself and meet the unknown. And I’ve made it!

5. Thank you mr. Unknown!

Do you remember at a concert, I was 12, you were around 50 smelling of alcohol, and you took your organ out and put it closer to my bum? Do you remember I was colleague with your daughter? Thank you for this! Because of you I will always hate being with an alcoholic!

6. Thank you mr. Unknown 2!

Yeah..call me stupid. I was. I met a man and he wanted to know me better.. so we went to a hotel room… in the idea I was honestly thinking we will speak.. but no… he almost raped me. He just stopped because I told him what position my father has. Thank you! Because of you I have no trust in no man! You made me to not believe anything! By the way, how is in the prison now? I am glad you got what you deserved!

7. Thank you my false friend!

I let you take me home one night as I’ve trusted, and what have you done??? You took me in a darker place and you’ve started to touch me! You stopped after many begging but guess what? Thank you! Because of you I dont let anyone to take care of me!

8. Thank you, sweet colleague citizens!

Thank you for saying I came in this country just to steal your men. I forgot I should of asked your permission to fall in love on your land! Thank you, you just make me be more stronger!

9. Thank you mom! Thank you keeping me in the house all day just learning and I never had any friends! Now is a bit hard to start speaking with people, but you know what? I still love you and I forgave you as you’ve only had me to love you! And I know you are the best mom in the world in your own way. Do you remember when you said I am afraid to not fail coming in another country like my dad failed? Do you remember when I’ve answered i am not my dad and i will never have the family you gave me? And i kept my word.

So yes.. thanks to this amazing people.. they just made me realise I only need myself, strong enough and independent. And they made me realise I should appreciate more the people who really care for me , like my husband. ❤

Letter to You, My Sweet Prince!

My Dear Prince,

I always wished a love story like in the movies… and you give me this in the first year of our relationship.

Do you remember when we first met? Do you remember the butterflies we felt at our first kiss?

Cause I do. I could tell you the order of the events that happened and made my heart and mind go crazy. But do you remember? Do you remember our first argue? Do you remember holding me the whole night in your arms as is only me and you in this world? I remember how you promised me I will never shed a tear for you… I remember telling me that I am perfect for you and that you want to see always a smile on my face.

I remember the nights when we used to stay in the garden planning our future, our first flat, our first holiday, our wedding and the honeymoon. Does any of them means anything anymore for you? Oh yeah.. you said.. ” I can’t remember anything nice”

It was me and you. Then… you changed your job. …. is difficult to take out an emotion from you. To take out a “proper” kiss on a daily basis.

If you proposed me , and marry me you should of been next to me when I am sad.. but as you said ” i am sad daily ” so I guess is a real honour if you come to me to calm me down.

Do you even know what are my wishes now? When was the last time you’ve asked me, what do you want ? ( except of food, haha!)

I become insecure because of your lie ( was only one, as i know … might be more but I don’t know about them) , you receive gifts at work from women, you receive messages from women, and still you’re saying that you don’t do nothing wrong? So every women is crazy yeah?

I thought I find Heaven when I met you. I have never met anyone so amazing and with so much passion for me… when… now I am seeing a wall-man.

Is it a coincidence you even started to change your appearance? Is it just a bad thing you don’t even try and surprise me? As you’ve answered: ” who am I surprising? ” as I don’t deserve…

You say you don’t want to change me but you do. The fact that you don’t offer me passion and romanticism as you did you blame it on me. Because I am always sad. So then , my sweet prince, when a woman is down, don’t you think she needs more than ever someone to cry on his shoulder? To hold my hands? No… you then ran quickly and stay on the internet…

So then I am asking you, how did we get to the point when we don’t even kiss with passion only as a foreplay? How can you explain I could stay and cry for hours while you are busy with something else? You have never seen your mistakes. You’ve called me controlling and insecure. Yes, I become insecure with all the people coming across and messaging you while you were saying you don’t do anything wrong, they are just crazy.

I was happy I found my prince, but from a normal person, my prince got promoted at work.. and now… my prince can’t be romantic anymore, my prince jokes with other women than with his princess… my prince..is other ones prince now…

I used to tell to myself how lucky I am to find you… but as you said ” you are dead inside ” . Then how I still feel butterflies seeing you?

You call me a drama, always upset, but my dear prince, your wedding vow only says about being next to your princess when she’s happy? Where are all your promises you made for her? Support her and hold her when she is upset…. you are with me only when I am happy… you call me a moaner but you have never listened to me to the end… i feel I’m fighting against the wind. I want back my romantic prince.. not this new boss i have now.. i want the real you back, but will you ever be back?!

Yes, I love you, I love in fact the person you used to be. The person who I have considered perfect.. you always have an excuse to me ” give it time ” … I have more to write, but probably you will all call me a moaner and a drama, but I wish to not even have been given the chance to be called a moaner.. I wished to just be happy and loved….